[Scene: Outside shot of U.S.S. Enterprise alongside Babylon 5]
Picard: Captains Log Stardate 44794.5. Due to Q’s trickery we have made
contact with a large space station called Babylon 5. Also, two teenagers in
a telephone booth have landed quite unexpectedly on the Bridge.
[Scene: Dramatic situation on Enterprise’s Bridge]
Riker: Fire !!!
[Bill and Ted dive behind the phone booth, Picard and Troi both bury their
heads in their hands in shame. Worf just chuckles - but gives a long look
toward to Bill and Ted, an air of fascination on his face]
Bill: [Turns to Ted] Most bogus, dude. These must be a most dangerous
people.
Ted: Yuh. But check out the big alien dude - didn’t he play for Kiss ?
[Bill and Ted pop their heads round the side of the booth, one above the
other, just in time for …]
Picard: [Placing a paternal hand on Rikers shoulder] Look, Will, I know you
saw the “To Be Continued” come up - but you really must get out of the habit
of wanting to shoot people.
[Meanwhile, on the viewscreeen]
Sinclair: Who are these people ?
Ivanova: How the hell should I know ? They only just got here …
[In the background…]
Garybalding: Under the boardwalk …
[Back on the Enterprise, Picard stands up and does “The Picard Manoeuvre” to
his uniform, and turns to Bill and Ted - he puts on his most fatherly look -
i.e.: a thin smile]
Picard: Now, how can we help you two young roustabouts, eh ? Have we been
out stealing some Timelords TARDIS, um?
Ted: Well, dude, it was like this - Over to you Bill [Does a theatrical
turn to Bill]
Bill: Thank you very much, my most excellent friend. [He assumes a very cop
like attitude and pretends to read from a note book - Ted nods all the time]
Captain, your Dudeness, my most bodacious friend Ted Theodore Logan and I,
Bill S Preston Esquire, were going through space and time to take the most
excellent Princesses for a holiday when we stopped off for a bite to eat at
the court of Caligular (A most strange and weird man) There, we were
accosted by this most bogus Dude calling himself P …
Ted: [Double take at Bill, tugs his arm and whispers into his ear] S, man,
S [smiles at Picard]
Bill: [To Ted] I know ! [Back to Picard] S! that was it. And …
[Meanwhile, on the viewscreeen]
Sinclair: Do you think they are safe ?
Ivanova: Do any old analogies regarding Fruit Cakes mean anything ?
Sinclair: Uh ? I’ve never heard of a dangerous fruit cake, apart from that
one Ambassador SPFX made last week?
Ivanova: Safe??? Sorry, I thought you said “Sane” !!!
[in the background]
Garybalding: How can the same shit happen to the same guy twice …
Picard: Sorry, but if I may interrupt for a second, ah em, er, dude, would
you by any means mean …
Wesley: [waves hand in the air…]
Picard: shut up, Wesley … by any means mean Q ?
[Bill and Ted look at each other, nod and turn to Picard]
Bill and Ted: Excellent ! That was it !
Bill:Ê Anyway, he said we had to come and join you. Dude didn’t say why.
Picard: Well, that makes sense then. If you could just remove [gestures to
the phone booth] that from my bridge then we can carry on …
Ted: [Shrugs and gets into the phone booth. To Bill] Back in a sec dude.
[He picks up the phone book and dials the number for the Cargo deck]
[SPFX: Blue lightening, sparks and crashing guitar chords - The booth spins
and then gets sucked into the floor. There is a sudden rush of non-noise and
a copy of the New York times drifts by]
[Meanwhile, on the viewscreeen]
Sinclair: Hay ! Did you see that !
Ivanova: Nothing spectacular. We have it all the time at the Chernobyl
Theme Park.
Sinclair: Harrumph. We may have the better story lines, but their special
effects are far superior to ours. We don’t stand a chance …
[in the background]
Garybalding: Maddie, how can you say you don’t love me after all these
shows…
[Bill, meanwhile, is getting comfy next to Troi, his gaze not entirely
avoiding her cleavage]
Data: Fascinating.
Wesley: Hay ! My last model warp drive did that and I got grounded for a
week.
Picard: Hmmmm.
Riker:
Troi: I sense …
Ensign No-One: Sir ! It’s appeared in the cargo deck.
Worf:Ê [at the top of his voice] EXCELLENT !!!
[They all turn to look at Worf, who suddenly looks very embarrassed. Bill
gives him a long look, followed by a sudden knowing grin]
Worf: Sorry, Sir, I don’t know what came over me.
Picard: Right. Raise shields, arm phasers and aim at that space station.
Riker: Can I say it now, please, please, can I say it ??? Please ??
Picard: Oh, I suppose so. Oh, and Wesley ?
Wesley: Yes Sir ??? Shall sa …
Picard: Just shut up Wesley … its all yours Number One.
Riker: FIRE !!!
[Nothing happens]
Riker: FIRE !!!
[Still. Nothing happens]
Picard: [To Worf] Er. Mr Worf, if you’d be so kind ?
Riker: FFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE!!!
Picard: [To Worf] Er. Mr Worf, any day now please ?
Riker: [Suddenly bursts into tears] No one ever fires any more for me !
Just because I nearly killed the Captain last time …
Troi: [Takes Rikers hand and leads him to the Turbo lift, which arrives
dispensing Ted] Come on, Will. Have a lie down, you’ve been … [the lift
doors shut]
[Bill takes Troi’s seat, Ted takes Riker’s. Picard stands and turns to Worf
- He puts on his most authoritative, yet patient and teacher-like voice]
Picard: Now, Mr Worf, you’ve been with the show long enough to know that
all strangers we meet fall into two categories: those that help us, and
those that hit us. Now, past experience has shown us …
[Meanwhile, on the viewscreeen]
Sinclair: [Lounging back eating a sandwich and drinking coffee] When do you
think we’ll get in on the story line ?
Ivanova: [Brushing her hair] I’m not too worried. I’ve been over doing it
lately. Begin this attractive really takes it out of me, you know ?
[in the background]
Garybalding: Now when the sun beats down …
Picard: … that the first people we meet turn out to be the ones that HIT
us, and it is the second that turn out to be the ones that HELP us. You see.
Now. Fire on that space station…
Worf: If I may respectfully submit, Dude, that is a most bogus suggestion.
Picard: [Raised eyebrows] Oh yes, and why may that be …
Worf: Because, Dude, of him … [nods over Picard’s shoulder - Picard
turns to see …]
Picard: Q !!!
[From below decks can faintly be heard Riker shouting FFFFIIIRRREEE !!!]
To be Continued…